Cut the Shit

The First Day of School

I'm not exactly sure why "Google Images" brings this picture up when you type in "First Day of School - Lonely".

I can only assume that seahorses truly understand what it's like to feel lonely when attending the first day of school. I mean, I don't know about you, but I felt like a seahorse when I got on the bus to kindergarten. I mean, who didn't?

Anyways...I choose this title because it's exactly how I feel after returning to NYC from the Thanksgiving holiday.

I had to go home for a funeral which took me out of commission for a full week. I was in Albany on Saturday and didn't return until the following...well, Saturday.

While I was gone, I felt depressed and alone and regardless of cell phone issues, I didn't call or actually, REACH out to anyone. I did it on my own and in most ways, respected myself for being so strong.

Then I came home (well, back to NYC) and I immediately felt a sincere distance from Paul.

Honestly, it's THAT factor that's fucked me up the most. Didn't he miss me? Now that I'm committed to him (for the LONG haul), have a I made a mistake? Has he changed his mind about our longevity? Have I?

See? It's the factor that fucked me up.

So I'm home and my best friends are all wrapped up in their own lives and have plans or work or (upsettingly so) nothing to say about the fact that I was at a funeral last week. Of course there are THOSE that have squelched my insecurity, but then again there are THOSE that have STILL to address the fact that I've been out of commission for the last two weeks. Like it never happened.

I've been trying SO HARD (right Kelly?) to be a level-headed guy in every situation I'm confronted with, but I feel like when I take on the role of "chill guy", I get fucked. Like my expectations and feelings don't mean anything. Instead of being the big mouth, I'm now the guy that's "chill" and I fucking hate it.

So I'm home from my visit to Albany and life seems to go on with or without me.

Maybe these people don't realize it, but I'm the star of the movie. And while that may sound egotistical, know this...

It is my GOAL as a friend to make those I love feel that way every day. If you're my friend, then you KNOW I do my best to make you the star of my movie.

Why did I come back to NYC and feel like a supporting character?

Funeral

My uncle passed away on Wednesday night. I’m leaving tomorrow morning to go home for the funeral, which is on Monday.

Not going to be the best weekend, but as long as my family is together, it will all be ok.

I’ll try to be in touch before Thanksgiving.

That Dreaded Phone Call

On Monday night, Paul and I were talking about getting that phone call where your life changes immediately. You know the call. “Hi (insert your name here). Are you sitting down? You need to be. So and so has died and you need to come home for the funeral.”

Luckily (if you can call it luck), the phone call I got from my mom this morning wasn’t nearly as dramatic as it could have been. It was more like “Hi Joe. Your Uncle will probably pass away in the next few days. We’ve been given the final notice.” How many final notices are there? I thought he was going to die months ago.

Now, granted, I’m not especially close to this uncle and over the years I’ve never had much of a personal relationship with him. And he’s really sick, has been for a while. He’s also 93. However, getting that phone call, no matter who it’s in relation to, is just sickening.

My mom was amazing about the whole thing. As most of my friends know, and clearly my mother, I just don’t do well with death in any form. As you read, I saw a pigeon dying a slow death on the sidewalk a few weeks ago and for days it made me feel ugly.

So my uncle has decided to pretty much refuse any sort of treatment for all of his various illnesses (Cancer of doom is the nucleus of the problem). It’s his choice and to be honest, my parents and I both feel that this is probably the best way for this to happen; on his own terms.

My first reaction was “I’m not going to the funeral. No one can expect that of me. I just can’t deal with something like that right now.” But the truth of the matter is, I have to go. Using the excuse of “this will be too hard on me” is simply a cop out. And I have to learn to grown some balls and to handle this shit with a bit of courage. I may talk a big game, but deep down I’m still the guy that needs to be held every night before I go to sleep.

While he’s been removed from any sort of life sustaining device (minus an oxygen tube), my uncle could live for another week or so. But is it wrong that deep down I just want him to go now? Is it selfish of me to think that it would be easier for him and everyone involved if he just slipped away tonight? That we could do the funeral on Monday or Tuesday and then try to salvage some sort of Thanksgiving?

We’re talking about my uncle’s life here and for some reason my heart has turned on me and gone into defensive mode. I’ve known that he was going to die for months. But somehow it’s not any easier now that it’s actually happening. And I just want it over with. I don’t want to feel as down and empty as I do.

The concept of death fucks me up. It scares me to an obsessive level. Finality. I just don’t do it. The idea of never seeing or knowing my uncle ever again is scary and frustrating. I didn’t make enough of an effort when he was around (although my brother did – which just makes it worse) and no matter what, it’s now too late to make that attempt. It just freaks my shit out when I think death is truly a reality and one day it will be my own. One day it will be my parents and God forbid, my boyfriend, friends or brother.

I’ve been living in a world without death for so long that it’s hard to imagine it hitting so close to home.

I did have a friend from high school that passed away this summer as well as a friend from Boston that passed away last year. And since then it seems like people are just dying all around me. Slowly, but inevitably.

Life is about that, I guess.

But I don’t know if I’ll ever be to the point where I can handle it with style and grace.

What a GREAT WEEK!

I just don’t have time to keep up with this journal lately. Please forgive. This weekend was a madhouse and my life just hasn’t calmed down since. Long as I get through this next weekend, everything with slow to a crawl and I’ll be able to come back to this site and do something substantial with it. Until then…might I just say that I couldn’t BE more elated with the way things turned out at the election polls this week.

Our idiotic and useless president is finally in the lame duck position that he deserved 2 years ago. You’re the Democrats bitch now. Whether or not the DEMS can clean up his atrocious mess remains to be seen. However, it’s pretty obvious to MOST of this country that the Republicans reign of terror needed to end.

We control the House.

We control the Senate.

It’s about fucking time. Any more of this right wing bullshit and our country would implode. It’s going to be a long and arduous road, but I have hopes and dreams that these newly elected leaders will be able to do some damage control and give us back some sort of positive reputation.

I think singing “Ding Dong the witch is dead” is the understatement of the year.

MORE TO COME!

It’s Crazed Here, I Tell Ya!

No big post this week. Too much going on with Halloween (which was PHENOMENAL this year!) and now the NYC Marathon this weekend. I’ve got both of my parents, their dog, my brother and his fiancé and THEIR dog all staying in my apartment until Monday. Add Paul, myself and OUR dog and it’s going to be a FUN weekend, but chaotic as fuck.

My brother is running the marathon on Sunday. My mom’s birthday is Sunday. My dad’s birthday is next Thursday. I’ve been running around like a lunatic buying food and presents and booze. I’m decorating the apartment and making cakes and organizing games. Basically my head is about to pop off.

But I’m very much looking forward to it.

I’m out of work until next Wednesday. If I can get out of my bed before that, I will drop a post in here.

Otherwise, enjoy the weekend my friends!

And if you’re running the marathon, God speed.